Here'e to the Night

So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

- "Here's to the Night", Eve 6

A toast. Here's to the nights my friend. Good bye, and I sincerely hope that you are in a better place.

Blogging, life and work

Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Just a city boy
Born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time

Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to that feelin'
Streetlight people

Don't stop believin'
Hold on
Streetlight people

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to that feelin'
Streetlight people

- "Don't Stop Beliving", Journey

Ok, I admit. I didnt even know Journey existed untill I watched Glee. Just finished all 22 episodes of season 1. Am now eagerly waiting for season 2. Am now heart and soul a Glee fan =) Also, have expanded my musical horizons quite a bit now. For example, I think Queen is actually pretty good.

I have say, considering that the last time I blogged was freaking LAST YEAR november, its really been a while since I've blogged. On one hand, I guess because I was (am?) less...emo, but mainly, its because I've been too busy with work and stuff. Still got so many movies to watch, books to read and so on.

I guess most of us blogged because as students, we really just had too much free time on our hands. The moment we start working, unless blogging really is your passion, or source of income, after a while we just drift off I guess.

Still, this place is like my very own unofficial therapy site, albeit one which I have to clean up the spam comments that appear once in a while. Guess I'll still pop in here from time to time. At the very least, not another half a year absence. Heh.

I sometimes think this

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better

He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says, you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I've been screamin' and fightin'
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space and never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing, and I'm comfortable

But I've been screamin' and fightin'
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm fakin'
And my heart's not breakin'
'Cause I'm not feelin' anything at all

And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated
Got away by some mistake and now

I'll be screamin' and fightin'
And kissin' in the rain
It's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

And that's the way I loved you
I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

- "The way I loved you", Taylor Swift

Do I love you? Or am I just playing the role of a boy friend so well that I cant tell the difference. Is this just me thinking that the grass is greener on the other side (in other words, being an asshole); or am I really trapping myself in a relationship where I'm...settling for someone, and am not actually passionate about someone?

I wish I knew you know. Really. When you're with me, I act, behave, and pretty much how you expect a boyfriend to be. When you're not, I find myself thinking thoughts like this, my attentions and affections wandering, my faithfulness to you increasingly being tested with each encounter.

And I really don't want to live like this. You're everything a guy could ask for really, no matter what baggage you come with. Everyone has their own issues after all. And yet, I'm missing that fiery passion that comes when someone special enters my life, fills me completely, makes me act crazy. The way I was when I was with...others.

Still, I'm conscious of the possibility that I'm in fact, fed too much of hollywood bullshit and that I'm actually more in love with the idea of "Romantic Love" as we see/read in fiction then I'm in love with a real person. Maybe how I feel for you is actually what other people have, just that I myself am unsatisfied, thinking that there is more to it or what not.

I have done some seemingly crazy things, but in truth, I know in a few of them I was actually coldly calculating the best response to the situation, while in the majority of others, I was really just...being a boyfriend. One could say I was...fulfilling my duty. Heh. I'm not sure how many I did was out of the fact that I was head over heels, madly, truly, deeply in love with you.

The way I loved others before.

Its been a while

Its been a while. The blogging bug is back in me. God knows why.

Some people have commented that I been ultra-emo in my blog. Needless to say, it skewed their perception of the person that I am in their eyes. *shrug* So its true that I can be super-emo. That does not define me. The moments when I'm happy, irrational, quirky, upset and what not are all captured in here too I think. Maybe not to such a great extent that I would like but... yeah. Life goes on.

Anyways, I guess its been a really long while since I last blogged. Surprising though, since its a much shorter amount of time then I thought. Anyways, for those who dont know, I'm in a new job now, in the advisory department of one of the big 4 accounting firms doing consulting work.

The work is ok, the hours are surprisingly reasonable, and most of all, the exposure to different industries is good. Pay could be better though. =/ Lol, but then again, the pay could always be better. I'm ok for now I guess. Must learn to be contented with what we have after all right?

Still, wasting a year of my life away like that was so, so stupid of me. I may not have known better last time, but that doesn't make it anymore excusable. Then again, could be god's timing and all, but it have also just plain been my own fault.

Currently in a relationship, though if you asked me if she was THE ONE, I would be hard pressed to answer. Is there really a 'THE ONE' for any of us? Or is she just someone happened to be along at the right moment at the right time?

As all couples, we have our similarities and our differences, though sometimes, I'll admit its a struggle not to compare her with...others. Predecessors. Betters? Or maybe its just me. I just know its unhealthy to know that if I wanted to, I could just call her and end it right now and not feel a thing. Except maybe relief. Or maybe that's what I think I would feel. Maybe the reality is that I would cry, sob, regret my foolishness, beg for her forgiveness and crawl back to her. Maybe. *shrug*

Anyways, I'm back to blogging. For now.

New Divide

I remembered black skies / the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash / as time began to blur
Like a startling sign / that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

CHORUS

So give me reason / to prove me wrong / to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason / to fill this hole / connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide

There was nothing in sight / but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide / the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in / between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

CHORUS

So give me reason / to prove me wrong / to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Across this new divide

In every loss / in every lie
In every truth that you'd deny
And each regret / and each goodbye
was a mistake to great to hide
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

CHORUS

So give me reason / to prove me wrong / to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason / to fill this hole / connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide x3

- "New Divide", Linkin Park

Watched Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen yesterday...pretty good, but kinda lacks that AWESOME factor to it you know? Didn't get me as excited as the first movie, the Dark Knight, Star Trek or Ironman did.

Also, just came back from Redang. Went scuba diving with the CF email chain gang and Suk Mun's UOB colleagues. Pretty fun all in all, scuba diving really does allow you to enter another world, to see things you could never see on the surface of the land. Can't wait to go for the next dive. What was less fun was my tire bursting on me on my way up n totalling my car with the divider. =(

Hmm...well, I've left my previous job am and now going to start work at my new place on July 6th. Definitely will be a lot busier then where I formerly was. Heh, looking forward to it though. Bumming around now and enjoying it while I still can ><"

Put up this song mainly due to the Transformers. Been listening more to Lacuna Coil and oddly, Taylor Swift. Oh well, till next time.

Late nite....again

Well, here I am again. I always seem to post at nite hmm...guess the stillness of the world at this time tends to bring out something in me.

Quite a few people have asked me about my previous post, or to be exact, the same way janice asked, "who and who?!"

Well, there's ultimately a difference between missing someone and reminiscing about someone. For me, certain songs (and to a lesser extent, items and pictures) tend to trigger memories in me, memories about people, about stages in my life...

I guess I could say I was going over my memories of my past...reliving them. But was I merely reminiscing or did it go deeper then that? I think the most correct thing to say was that I was thinking about them....I think.

I do know one thing though. I'm definitely gonna leave my job. Just a matter of when.

Late night rambling

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Sing sha la la la
Sing sha la la la la

Ooo Ooo Ooo...
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

It's all wrong, it's all wrong
It's all wrong, it's so right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms.

- "Come on get higher", Matt Nathanson

No particular reason why I chose this song. Just like that John Mayer/Jason Mraz feel to it.

I'll admit I still occasionally think of you. And you too. This despite the fact that for all intents and purposes, I'm attached to someone else. I'm such an asshole.

I really do need to be emo to finish a blog post apparently. Right now every time I feel like blogging something I tend to lose steam halfway and leave it at draft form. Then later delete it when I lose the urge to blog about that particular rant/incident/thoughts/rambling.

Can just say am not that happy with my current job. Am thinking whether one should honor their contract and why. Have to admit that leaving my job would be mainly due to pride/envy more then anything else.

This is troubling. Pride seems to be the main motivator in my life. That, and laziness.

Would even go so far as to say have been mildly dissatisfied with life in general so far until today. Odd right. Somehow found peace of god after some questioning, some serious discussion, a lot of reading and thinking.

Not good. Especially that I'm still awake at 3am.

Sleepy time.

First post of Year 2009

Hello.

It’s been a while since I’ve logged on here. Guess I haven’t been indulging in self-pitying and emo sessions. Heh.

Anyways, I’m trying to start afresh this year and so far it seems somewhat successful I guess. Still see-sawing between being a Christian and a free-thinker, but then again, I’ve always been somewhere in between, just depends on whether I lean more to one side or the other at various points in my life.

Oh, and for those who still don’t know, I’ve started work already. Won’t mention my workplace online, but you can always ask me personally. Some know where I work anyway.

Right. A new years resolution for me is not to use this blog as a emo dumpsite anymore. Not to say I won’t emo here, but I’m resolving to be less indulgent in such…weaknesses? Yea… This would mean I’ll start blogging on other stuff more instead. Maybe I’ll get to have a chuckle when I read my posts years from now.

Or more likely, cringe in embarrassment, then delete everything ><” We’ll see.

Over

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

- "It's not over", Secondhand Serenade

Well. Its over.

She technically was avoiding me last year I guess. Not this year.

She just sees me as a friend now. At least we can talk to each other honestly and straightforwardly.

I'm disappointed, its true. And yet, maybe because I've already expected it deep down, or maybe I'm just blocking it off, I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. In fact, a part of me is....relieved. Not exactly what I thought I would feel.

I could just kick myself for my own stupidity, past and present, but that won't really help matters anymore at this point of time I guess.

Time to move on.