On the brink of a new year

The year 2007 is nearly over.

As the year 2008 comes upon whether we like it or not, I at least will enter it with the slight confidence of having learned one very important lesson of life this year.

I've learned to move on with my life, and don't look back. To write off my past mistakes as a sunk cost, if you will, and not cry over spilt milk. To move forward and not linger on and wonder about the 'what-ifs'.

Ok, technically I already knew all of these stuff. Who doesn't really? But somehow it never really sunk in within me until one insignificant, unmemorable occasion.

Somehow, I always thought that when someone learned one of life's major lessons, there would be like...a light shining from above, or some light bulb suddenly light up in my brain or something...well, MONUMENTAL to mark it. And somehow, I had the impression that revelations such as this took place only in moments of great importance or significance. That was all plain bullshit of course.

It happened when I was playing a MMORPG actually (Lineage 2 to be precise). I was halfway through my 1st job (palus knight) and was wondering about whether I should continue with this character or not. The basic reason was because I, once again, had messed up with my character and at the moment, he was neither here nor there. I contemplated starting over again with a new character and passing all my old equipment to the new one, while being able to enjoy the benefit of tweaking my character to the max thanks to my knowledge of the game.

While I was staring at the character creation screen, I mentioned this to my housemate who also plays a heck lot of MMORPG's. Why bother, he said. You should just play on. Lost gold you can recover. If you have messed up your stats, just play on, level up and balance it out. If you lost your equipment, just play on, save enough gold and buy new stuff.

Granted he made it sound a lot easier than it really was, but when he said these things, a spark went off in my mind. Suddenly I realised that life wasn't perfect, would never be perfect and no matter how many times I started over, started anew; I would still inevitably mess it up again. The best that I could do was to bumble on through life, sometimes sure of my road, sometimes not, and just hope for the best.

And far more importantly, not to dwell on those 'what-ifs'. Sigh. Oh well.

Boston

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

You don't know me, you don't even care...

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

- "Boston", Augustana

When I was young, I would dream of one day waking up to find myself having gone back in time. And I would have done things so very, very differently. Even then, I knew I already had made so many mistakes in my life... said things I shouldn't have said, did things I shouldn't have done.

Sometimes, I wonder how things would have turned out if I have done things differently. Said different words. Restrain myself from doing stupid things. Maybe I might be a far more different person from the one I am now. More mature, wiser, optimistic...more FUN to be around with. In far less pain then now anyway, I'll settle for just that.

Then again, its the process of what I've gone through that led me to this point isn't it? Unless I retain all my previous memories, experiences and knowledge, if I somehow do ever wind up going back to my past, I'll just fuck it all up all over again.

Sigh, looking back, that dream was just plain stupid. The closest thing possible to that though would have been me moving off somewhere, someplace where I was a total stranger and starting from scratch. And that has always been a thought lurking in the recesses of my mind. To leave all my failures, mistakes behind and start anew. Afresh. A clean slate.

Yeah right, like thats gonna happen.